We have our big, mid-pregnancy ultrasound tomorrow, and as we approach the appointment, there are two things on my heart.
1. We already know the gender. Muhuhahaha. We went in with an OB friend to do an early scan and baby wasn’t shy. We have a name picked out, and we’ll share soon. Hearing Liv and Eliza say it makes me want to crumble into a thousand tiny pieces.
2. I feel totally at peace but overwhelmingly aware of the blessing it is to make it here. The older I get, and the longer I’ve been in this phase where my peers and I are dating and getting married and making babies, the more I’ve seen. Naturally. And some of what I’ve seen has been flipping through the my head lately. I’ve been very aware of loss. Of negative tests and empty screens that should show heartbeats and phone calls where you know the news is not good before she says it. Of problems that occasionally show up during these scans.
I’m really not feeling anxious, although I know that nothing’s promised. But I am feeling heavy-hearted for some of what I’ve seen and experienced, even secondhand.
As I’ve felt some of the ache of those stories return, I’ve found comfort in knowing that God knows and loves our children first.
We are stewards of them – the ones with normal results and the ones where something else shows up or goes wrong. We love them when the road ahead is smooth and when it is barely visible. But he loves them first. And he gives us what we need to put one foot in front of the other, either way.
I wanted to say this before the ultrasound. Not because I’m expecting to see something abnormal, I’m actually expecting a very routine scan.
But because regardless of how tomorrow goes, this truth remains. We are but following in the footsteps of the one who loves them better and more.